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A Valentine from Vincent

Two enthusiastic thumbs up for “Savage Beauty,” Nancy Milford’s biography of Edna St. Vincent Millay. (Not a new book or anything; just one that’s been sitting on my shelf, waiting for its day.) It’s packed with the poet’s brilliant letters and sonnets, juicy details about her prolific love life, and minor revelations such as the fact that she went by Vincent, not Edna.

For some writerly inspiration, here’s an excerpt from an interview  (quoted in the book) Millay gave in 1931, long after she’d reached A-list status:

It’s this unconcern with my household that protects me from the things that eat up a woman’s time and interest. Eugen and I live like two bachelors. He, being the one who can throw household things off more easily than I, shoulders that end of our existence, and I have my work to do, which is the writing of poetry.

But I haven’t made the decision to ignore my household as easily as it sounds. I care an awful lot that things be done right. Yet I don’t let my concern break in and ruin my concentration and temper . . .

I work all the time. I always have notebook and pencil on the table at my bedside. I may wake up in the middle of the night with something I want to put down. Sometimes I sit up and write in bed furiously until dawn. And I think of my work all the time even when I am in the garden or talking to people. That is why I get so tired. When I finished “Fatal Interview” I was exhausted. I was never away from the sonnets in my mind.

I can always appreciate the reminder that talent—which Millay of course possessed in spades—does not a star make. Time is required too, and a laser focus. It probably doesn’t hurt to have hired help and a doting husband to “put you to bed” after dinner, as Millay’s husband did.

Because it’s almost Valentine’s Day, I’ll sign off with another few lines from one of my favorite Millay sonnets. (Full text here.)

Love in the open hand,
No thing but that,
Ungemmed, unhidden, wishing not to hurt,
As one should bring you cowslips in a hat
Swung from the hand, or apples in her skirt,
I bring you, calling out as children do:
“Look what I have!—And these are all for you.”

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Falling Asleep

I have an awful habit when I’ve turned out the lights and I’m lying there exhausted after a long day of chasing you and cooking for you and dashing off work emails and scraping bits of oatmeal off the floor, and it feels so delicious to be wrapped in a blanket in a darkened room, sinking into the mattress. Even as consciousness slips away, a tide rises within me and suddenly it’s at my neck and I’m gasping with an urgent need to protect you. To fold myself around you. To snuff out with my person all gaps between you and a menacing world. Gradually alertness returns and with it a mundane to-do list: I keep forgetting to check the pressure gauge on the fire extinguisher. I’ve got to take my time strapping you in the car seat. I picture myself slowly, methodically pulling the harness taut against your chest. I reflect on the two hazardous objects that made it into your hands today when I wasn’t looking—an acorn, a fallen refrigerator magnet.

I don’t so much fall asleep as fight my way to sleep, a nightly grappling match between an overtired body and an overactive mind. In Anna Karenina Tolstoy described one of his characters becoming a father: “There was nothing cheerful and joyous in the feeling; on the contrary, it was a new torture of apprehension. It was the consciousness of a new sphere of liability to pain.” I understood the bargain I made when I had a baby, even anticipated this maddening midnight ritual, but I plunged ahead anyway and now I’m like Bill Murray waking up in Groundhog Day only on the other end of it and not getting better with practice.

I could read a boring book. Medidate. But such exercises require more fortitude than I can usually muster at that hour. Best to let the beast run rampant—Why oh why didn’t I spend more time today with my lips pressed against your head?—than to chase it around hurling a rope at its neck. God knows I don’t have the energy to turn on the lamp.

Tonight is better than most, though. Tonight through some random firing of neurons I’ve remembered an 8-second video snippet recorded yesterday and now playing on loop in my brain. You’re on the carousel at the zoo, perched astride a plastic tiger. Of course I had to hold you in place, so your face is too close to the camera and slightly out of focus. But the look in your eyes is clear, one of sheer wonder at the world—at this strange, twinkling journey up and down and around. Your lips part as if whispering “wow,” though that word is not yet in your repertoire, and the most striking thing about your eyes, I can see now, is not the wonder but the total lack of fear as you are borne along. So different from your mother who lies here racked with worry.

A smile crosses my lips as I think of those brave eyes. Tonight that’s all it takes: one smile to tip the scales and send a cascade of endorphins through my weary limbs. My stomach unclenches. My breathing slows. I am imbued to the fingertips with—if not your same courage, then a momentary peace in knowing that is how you face the world. My sweet boy, I’m so glad to be the one holding you on that plastic tiger. Up and down,  around and around. Up and down, around and around . . .

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Graduation season

I love a good graduation speech. Especially Neil Gaiman’s “Make Good Art” and George Saunders’s words on kindness. Read them some time, if you haven’t.

I’m fortunate to have in my possession the original copy of a pretty masterful graduation speech. Last summer, I was sitting at my mom’s cluttered computer desk and unearthed a rumpled old document—ten pages of size-14 double-spaced Times New Roman, stapled together and titled “Ceremony.”

Reading it, I realized it was the transcript of a speech I’d heard at a small ceremony leading up to my graduation from Northwestern University in 2005.  My dad had apparently walked up to the speaker afterward and asked for an emailed copy, or so my mom explained. The speaker just gave him the papers right out of his hand.

That speaker was Gary Morson, a beloved professor of Russian literature whose classes always seemed to fill up before I could claim a spot or never meshed with my schedule. My doctor friend and lawyer husband both recall his Intro to Russian Lit course as a favorite. I’ve always regretted that I, an English major, never experienced it.

But other than the professor’s name, nothing about the speech was familiar to me. Eight years had passed since I’d heard it, and I’ve never been a great listener to begin with. But it obviously made an impression on my father.

There are times in your life when it feels as if the universe is sending you a message—as if someone or something is reaching through the plane to give you a quick shake. I never took Professor Morson’s class, but the summer I found his speech, I was reading Anna Karenina for the first time, just because. And I missed my dad terribly.

An excerpt from Morson’s speech:

Perhaps Tolstoy’s most famous line is the first sentence of Anna Karenina: all happy families resemble each other; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. What does this much-quoted line actually mean? When Tolstoy was writing the opening of his novel, his notebooks record a French proverb: Happy people have no history. He understood that to mean: a life filled with the sort of events that make a life dramatic and narratable—a life like Anna Karenina’s—is a life badly lived; whereas happy people live so that one couldn’t tell their story. What would one say: they didn’t fight again today? They had dinner, talked, kissed the children goodnight, and went to bed?

The more a life resembles a docudrama, the less substance it has. Live so there is nothing to report in an obituary or carve on a tombstone. Maybe the best epitaph would read: he lived right, so there is nothing to say about him. I like the one Dorothy Parker composed: Pardon my dust.

There are moments in life when even very successful people come to feel, beyond all consolation, that life is entirely pointless. All is vanity, will be consumed by death, disappears like patterns in sand; there is nothing to have faith in and nothing that really matters. Such moments are common in Tolstoy. His characters want an answer to their question: what makes a life meaningful? They want a formula, a set of rules to guide them . . .

When such despairing questions arise, you should take them as symptoms. They are probably saying: you have not lived right. You must change your life. And what you have lived badly is the hundred thousand ordinary moments of life. It is not some big decision you made wrong, but a thousand small ones. It is the process of making those decisions you must change.

If the problem is ethical, you must start to do right to people right in front of you, not seek to change the world. Indeed, the only way to change the world effectively is to do the small things right, which concatenate to encourage others to do other small things right. Unfortunately, in our time, most people have believed the opposite—that goodness can only be achieved by total upheaval, by the imposition of some ideology. And so the saviors become the killers. A saint should always be assumed guilty until proven innocent. A noble cause should be held suspect if you feel superior for supporting it. If you think of the twentieth century, you can come up with a rule-of-thumb: the most suffering is caused by those who think they can abolish it forever. Consider Stalin or Hitler or Pol Pot or Mao. And the “root cause” of the greatest suffering is the belief in a root cause.

There is no single root cause. There are, as in a battle described by Tolstoy, a hundred million causes irreducible to any single law. Life is filled with the messy and contingent. In such a situation, in a world of radical uncertainty, it is the small acts of goodness and love that matter most. Love thy neighbor, not thy party. If you find yourself wondering how anyone could vote differently from you, take that as a sign that you have failed in sympathy, imagination, and open-mindedness.

Goodness ramifies. In Karamazov, Father Zosima tells the other monks not to think of holiness in terms of martyrdom, but as smiling to the person whom one passes on the street: for such a small act may change another mood and that person’s next actions may be better, and so on. You never see the end of it, but you may have faith in it. Cast a little bread upon the waters.

The closing lines of George Eliot’s Middlemarch describe how the heroine, who had longed and failed to do good in grand ways like those in the Lives of the Saints, learns to do good in small ways that matter much more:

Her finely-touched spirit still had its fine issues, though they were not widely visible . . . But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

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Norah Ephron’s not-so-new-anymore porn

An excerpt from Scribble Scribble, 1976:

The new porn has nothing to do with dirty pictures. It’s simply about money. The new porn is the editorial basis for the rash of city and local magazines that have popped up around the country in the past ten years. Some of these magazines are first-rate—I am particularly partial to Texas Monthly—but generally they are to the traditional shelter magazines what Playboy is to Hustler: they have taken food and home furnishings and plant care and surrounded them up with just enough political and sociological reporting to give their readers an excuse to buy them. People who would not be caught dead subscribing to House & Garden subscribe to New York magazine. But whatever the quality, the serious articles in New York have nothing to do with what that magazine is about. That magazine is about buying plants, and buying chairs, and buying pastrami sandwiches, and buying wine, and buying ice cream. It is, in short, about buying. And let’s give credit where credit is due: with the possible exception of the Neiman-Marcus catalog, which is probably the granddaddy of this entire trend, no one does buying better than New York magazine.

 

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As I was saying …

Okay, I promise my next entry won’t be about death. But as I was typing the last post about the two-sided coin that is love, I remembered a passage from Karen Russell’s Swamplandia! Not my favorite book on the whole, but it had its moments. This being one of them:

I’d fix on The Chief’s raw, rope-burned palms or all the gray hairs collected in his sink, and I’d suffer this terrible side pain that Kiwi said was probably an ulcer and Ossie diagnosed as lovesickness. Or rather a nausea produced by the “black fruit” of love—a terror that sprouted out of your love for someone like rotting oranges on a tree branch. Osceola knew all about this black fruit, she said, because she’d grown it for our mother, our father, Grandpa Sawtooth, even me and Kiwi. Loving a ghost was different, she explained—that kind of love was a bare branch. I pictured this branch curving inside my sister: something leafless and complete, elephantine, like a white tusk. No rot, she was saying, no fruit. You couldn’t lose a ghost to death.

She showed me a diagram in The Spiritist’s Telegraph, part of a chapter entitled “The Corporeal Orchard.” I’ve never forgotten it. It had a punctilious, surgical level of detail, like one of Leonardo da Vinci’s anatomical sketches—only in this drawing the aortas and ventricles of a human heart burst into flowering trees.

“Gross, Os. You think there’s a rotten fruit stuck inside me?” I touched a rib, horrified but also filling with a sort of dark self-regard.

Kazuo Ishiguro wrote a book about this same topic, called Never Let Me Go. I did love that book on the whole. Some say it’s a dystopian story, and depending on your notion of an oppressor, it is.

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The Trauma of Being Alive

“An undercurrent of trauma runs through ordinary life, shot through as it is with the poignancy of impermanence. I like to say that if we are not suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, we are suffering from pre-traumatic stress disorder. There is no way to be alive without being conscious of the potential for disaster. One way or another, death (and its cousins: old age, illness, accidents, separation and loss) hangs over all of us.”

Judging by how many Facebook shares this article in the New York Times has garnered, it struck a nerve. My own included. A month ago my brother’s longtime girlfriend passed away unexpectedly, suffering a brain aneurysm in her sleep in the early morning of July 2—my dad’s birthday. She was just 23. Paul bought her a posthumous engagement ring; she certainly would have said yes.

Love may be the mother of all two-sided coins. Taylor, we will miss you so much.

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Parenthood: One writer’s take

He feels the truth: the thing that had left his life had left irrevocably; no search would recover it. No flight would reach it. It was here, beneath the town, in these smells and these voices, forever behind him. The best he can do is submit to the system and give Nelson the chance to pass, as he did, unthinkingly, through it. The fullness ends when we give Nature her ransom, when we make children for her. Then she is through with us, and we become, first inside, and then outside, junk. Flower stalks. -John Updike, Rabbit Run

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#Tragedy in the Twitter era

There should be a word for the stomach-lurching sensation of opening Facebook or Twitter to discover—through oblique, foreboding references—that something awful has happened. You’ve missed the breaking story and, like the person in a coma during a zombie attack, emerged to a broken world.

My heart goes out to all the victims in #Aurora.

WTF is wrong with people? You can’t even go to a movie anymore.

Most days my Twitter feed is as varied and engorging as a Las Vegas buffet: Here a thoughtful op-ed, there a tasteless joke by Michael Ian Black, there a recipe from my vegan friend’s blog. Then a tragedy occurs and we all fold in around it,  grieving, scolding, sending up a collective death wail. Days after the Newtown shooting it felt wrong to tweet about anything else. Eventually Downton Abbey and the “fiscal cliff” edged into the conversation, but still there was Paul Simon singing at Victoria Soto’s funeral and little Noah Pozner’s open casket until, one by one, we blew out our candles and left.

In the aftermath of the Boston marathon bombings the cacophony was deafening. Journalists chided citizens and each other for interfering or misreporting or sensationalizing even as they tried to empathize. Pondering the public’s fascination with police scanners, Paige Williams might as well have described Twitter use in general, writing for the New Yorker: “What drives this behavior? . . . A desire to contribute? To feel needed? To bear witness? To be seen? To participate in an historic drama? Human impulses, all, if considered in the most generous terms.” (Williams is a former colleague of mine at Atlanta magazine.)

The irony, of course, is that people tend to skate around tragic events in daily conversation. If a common knock against Facebook and Twitter is that they have replaced human interaction, they offer in our darkest days a place to share feelings we’d never utter aloud—either because we don’t wish to appear morbid or because it’s hard to segue from the mundane to the barely imaginable. How are you? Well I’m really torn up about that mass shooting, thanks for asking. Said no one ever.

It’s strange, how we can bare our souls to everyone but not to each other. Ask your therapist about it if you have one. The rest of us have Twitter.

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The Grinnell Method

A friend passed along this beautiful short story by Oregon writer Molly Gloss, calling the style “very Terrance Malick.” I can only say that it’s a clinic in setting and imagery.

I also love Gloss’s thoughts on writing on her website. Especially this part:

Motherhood isn’t trivial; its activities may be trivial, but they put you in touch, deeply and immediately and daily, with the great issues of Life: heavy duty things like Love and Loss, Growth and Tolerance and Dignity, Control and Conflict and Power–which are the issues, incidentally, that make serious novels. I might have become a writer eventually without first having become a mother, but it’s hard for me to imagine it.

I don’t have kids but hope to someday, and it’s encouraging to hear there may be a wealth of wisdom and inspiration waiting on the other side.